Struggle, Hurt, and Choice

I am struggling and I am hurting. I am struggling to be what I ought to be and hurting when I think it will never be enough. I am struggling to build relationships and community and hurting when those efforts leave me feeling unloved and unwanted. I am struggling to raise my daughter in a way that keeps that light inside her shining strong and hurting when I see shame or self-criticism flash across her face after harsh words pass through my lips.

Part of living a good life is owning our choices and today I take this hurt and choose my struggle. When I think I will never be good enough, I choose to be kind to myself regardless. When I feel unloved and unwanted, I choose to accept the unconditional love and acceptance of God above. When I see my daughter hurting, I choose to put aside my own discomfort and stand by her always.

This hurt and this struggle will not be for nothing, I choose to view them as growing pains.


Love Poem

I do not wish to write poetry for you with words of black and white, rather with little moments slowly etched into the sands of time.



Yesterday I told my daughter that I had never written a poem about you and it is easy to see why – what justice could a poem do for the countless hours you have showed up and loved me.

My words fall short of the days you have stood by me, the days you guided me before I could walk on my own, and the days my legs failed me despite the lessons you taught me so diligently.

Despite my poor prognosis, I will still try because that is yet another thing you have taught me – that I can do what I put my mind, heart, and soul to because it is just a matter of effort and overcoming obstacles.

One generation

At a time growing stronger

Your wish brought to life

Haiku’s are hard and this is me, Amanda Marie, writing a corny post with love for my father.



Recently someone came to my home for the first time and she asked, “Are you comfortable here?”

I answered, “Yes,” because I am lucky enough to have superficial comfort in a home that I am grateful to have and share with little Goose.

Am I really comfortable though? No, I am not. I am far from it.

I am not comfortable because there is no comfort to be had while children are being ripped from their families’ arms in the land of the free and the home of the brave.

I am not comfortable because many of my fellow citizens claim to be Christian, yet are aligned with a political party which has never walked so far from the path of Jesus than they do today.

I am not comfortable because our beautiful planet is about as comfortable as a menopausal woman having a hot flash in an Alabama swamp and those in power would deny her relief.

I am not comfortable when it is considered radical for a government to provide for its citizens’ basic healthcare needs when it was designed to be for the people and by the people.

I am not comfortable because so many refuse to treat our neighbors to the South with any amount of neighborly respect, kindness, or love when the Good Book is pretty clear about this.

I am not comfortable because those in power treat corporations with more humanity than they do real humans because somehow corporations meet the requisites for personhood. I never saw a corporation bleed or breathe, but the message I hear is that they don’t need to as long as dollar is king.

I am not comfortable because the Earth we are gifting our children does not have the same stability that we ourselves were given.

I am not comfortable because the leader of the free world is a bigot, racist, and pathological liar and my fellow citizens care less about that than what I do inside my own uterus.

I am not comfortable because we forget that the only race that exists is the human one and the only skin color that matters is flesh.

So, the next time you ask me if I am comfortable here, do not expect a socially acceptable white lie. The first step to true comfort and a fulfilled life on Earth is knowledge of the problem and I will no longer hide my discomfort for you to be able to keep yours at bay.


Me and You

In a world full of fake, you are real

In my heart of darkness, you shine your light

In the moments before sleep, you cross my mind

In what little time remains, you are my desire

In the depths of my soul, you have a home

In despite of all this, you seem not to know

How hard it is knowing you’ll never call me your own


I don’t stop

Today is the day, now is the time. Open your heart, open your mind. World around us, beautiful and vast. Don’t waste yourself, time won’t last. Go on get up, face devilish foe. This is your fight, only you know. No matter the day, the key remains. I don’t stop.


Step into the Light

A close friend eloquently paraphrased an idea I was fumbling to articulate, “I won’t turn down my light for you.”  To do this, brace yourself, step into the light, take a deep breath, and take up some space.  Accept the good things life has to offer.

Imagine a small child cowering in a shaded corner, arms crossed and shoulders hunched, protecting their little neck from assaults imagined and real.  The compassion you feel and encouragement you lend them is true, now realize that child is you.

It is wonderfully simple and immensely challenging to see yourself as the child, worthy and resilient; Love yourself.

I am open to the good things life has to offer, I am enough, and the question is not a matter of what I can handle.  The question is how gracefully I will handle the opportunities that life presents to me.

This is me, Amanda Marie, stepping further into the light, unafraid of being seen and this is an idea for a fulfilled time on Earth.


Love Fortified

Eyes that peer deep below

Shining back what they know

Caressing darkness and the light

With tenderness they have yet to find

In a world so vast and cruel

The deep pool comes to glow

Lighting up the eyes that know

Warm, bright, full of love

Tearing down the walls above

In a world that feels brand new

Made stronger loving you


Counting 2004

Two, A little girl read from bed a place the sidewalk ends

Three, From there she would grow so low sun won’t show

Four, Found there she ought beware false care that dare mislead her

Five, There she would be for he to see her free for taking

Six, Take he would while she lay without words to say this is not okay though she may dream a different day to fly away